I had a pit in the bottom of my stomach today....a huge nasty lump in my stomach that wouldn't go away. I was worried, and maybe a little constipated, but seriously worried. I had so much anxiety. How the fuck am I going to take care of a child? Up until a month ago, I was staying up till midnight, drinking wine, watching reruns of Beverly Hills Housewives and eating cheese like it was no ones business. I went to happy hour every Friday night and drank my weight in draft beer while taking drags of my friends cigarettes. My next vacation was planned, a trip to New York that won't happen now because I will be so pregnant I won't be able to keep up with my skinny fucking friends as they run from one store to the next and drink wine in the middle of the day.
How the fuck am I going to take care of a child when I can barely take care of myself? I don't always wash my dishes. There are always clothes to clean, floors to sweep and the bed is never made. I can't balance a checkbook (well I can, I just choose not to) and I don't ever worry if I am going to be late for work because it's just me I have to get ready in the morning. I used to prefer a glass of wine with no dinner, now I think I will die unless I shove everything in my face at once. My body is going to shit and I am not as excited as I think I should be. Am I bad mother already? Are you judging me because I don't think this is all rainbows and smiles? This shit is harder than I thought, my mind is going a thousand miles a minute and I just don't know if will ever be able to do this....